pondering-self

Night time

It sure is eerily quiet

The sound of the blades of the fan chasing one another are reassuring

It’s 2.01 a.m.

And i just can’t keep my mind from thinking

My heart from feeling these things

It’s about my sister

Yet, again

I’m amazed at how many times she can inspire me

How i feel touched with her notions and actions

She’s a really decent human being

And i don’t just say that because she’s my sister

You can just tell by looking at her

The way she thanked the McDonald drive-through people

The cashier who attended us when we (technically she) paid for the games at bowling

The way she says it ; “ terima kasih” while smiling

It was so sincere, she was so sincere

She treats people earnestly

No matter who you are

I’m pretty much amazed because i’m not like her

I tend to send out these snobbish, get out of my way kinda vibe

She always, i mean always think of others before herself

Upon returning home from university the other day

She quickly had gotten herself a job

And started working a part-time job the very next day

Let me just clarify that she just got off an almost ten-hour journey ride home from Kedah

To home, Melaka and started working the very next day

She got out to work around 8 o’clock in the morning that day

After many months of not coming home because of palapes (yes, palapes)

Do you wanna know why she’s desperately searching for side-incomes?

No, it’s not to buy a new phone or clothes

She wanna help mama to pay for her studies expenses

That’s how selfless she is

She got out every single day in the morning and came home late after working long hours

My hearts ached when i heard that she sometimes went through physiotherapy

For her knees because she felt them hurting

It’s obvoiusly the result of her palapes training

But she kept on going to work

Nothing stopped her, not even her sore knees

Yesterday ( i think) she asked me how was my result for the last sem

I told her it was ok, it went down a lil, but it’s still fine

She told me she had to repeat some papers

A few hours back

I heard the conversation between my mama and my sister

She told mama that she just got back from seeking advise from her friend

And she’d asked her senior on what should she do

Then, it clicked

My sister was considering to quit her studies

My heart broke a little

That kinda desicion did not come on a whim

She had been thinking, hard

She’s afraid that she’ll not be able to cope her studies any longer

Mama gave her words of encouragement

And i was dumbfounded

I trully was, and still am

Just looking at her

You could not possibly know the worries and struggles she’s been through

She kept them hidden so well

I’m very devastated

How can she undergo all of these, cope them

Without me knowing

Compared to her’s all my worries and struggles seemed trivial

She’s a good person

And i know Allah knows it too

And i am so sure He has the most magnificent plan laid-out just for my sister

I wished and prayed nothing but the best for her

1 Syawal - LESSON LEARNED

I actually wrote this a couple of years back.



Salam satu syawal. So I've got a story to tell and its a bit personal.

Sejak habis asasi bulan 5 haritu, I've been one of the most successful 'penganggur' of all times. 5 bulan, more or less, of nothingness. Nak keje tpi x de lesen. Tp Alhamdulillah berfaedah jgk la ddk rumah dpt amek lesen dgn jayanye. Aku rase aku sorang je manusia yg stay up smpi pkol 4 pagi sbb study utk exam komputer tu. Hahaha. Biler pikir blek pe bende la aku buat tu. Tp ok pe dpt 50/50 kot. Hahaha. I told this to a friend and she said "ye la kau da usaha kan, so Allah bagi cash" . Agak terharu dgr ayat dia tu.

So back to story, one of my sister, Lia, pon cuti sem dua bulan. Dia cuti pon dah nk dkt puasa. Dy blek je tros cari keje and ajak aku skali. Aku agk reluctant nk keje sbb selepas bertahon-tahon ddk asrama ni merupakan first time dpt puasa satu bulan kt rumah. Jadi hanya Lia je la yg keje. Gaji sebulan dia bole la. Tapi agak unbelievable sbb dia kluar awal2 pagi and blek pon kdg2 smpi 12 or 1 pagi.

Kat kepala aku ade main a few persoalan, 'x penat ke? Dah la puasa lagi? Dia lagi rela keje drpd ddk rumah ke? Kenapa dia x nk gune peluang alang2 dlm bulan puasa ni gi terawih drpd gi keje?'

These things constantly went through my mind. Working hours dia agak extreme. By the way, aku tgh ajar diri sendiri utk develop utk tak mengkritik org. No judging. I keep reminding myself who are you to judge?

Tapi tanpa aku sedar, aku sbenanye tgh judge kakak aku tu. Aku tgh judge choices dia. And today, the day I'm writing this which is 1 Syawal, I just learned my lesson. You could say I just got a bit of my own medicine.

When I got out of my room this morning to join in for breakfast, I heard a conversation between my mom and Lia. I felt like I had been slapped or thrown cold water across the face.

Lia kan tgh cuti and dia akn continue studies dia nnt. A few more sems. She used her precious home-time to work sbb dia nk kumpul duit nk bayar yuran dia sendiri :'(

And sbb kesian kan kakak aku my mom suggest dia quit dia pnyer keje and kemas rumah, nnt mama byr duit gaji bayar yura :')

This realization hit me so hard. Another lesson learned. Never ever judge. You never really know the whole story.

Last but not least, selamat hari raya aidilfitri. It's a bit sad ramadan has left and we'll never know if we'll have the opportunity to greet ramadan again.

A little book review if you must say

Wow. It has been way too long since the last time that i actually wrote something. Let’s hope that i haven’t lost my touch yet.

So, here i am suddenly going through all the list of books that i have read not literally of course but in my head really. You see i’ve always have this passion and undeniably love for books. Love them before, love them now.

 But there’s this one particularly book that keeps popping in my head right now, well this is actually because  i’d just seen one of the characters acted in a tv series, ‘Laws & Orders’ if i’m not mistaken. Hah! You must’ve been a little bit confused there. How come a character in a book can literally act in real life tv series? Well, sorry for the confusion. What i really meant was the actor who played the character. Yup, if you’ve guessed that the book was made into a movie, well done! You guessed right! That’s pretty smart. Hahaha

Ok. Enough with the mystery talk. The book, then made into a movie, that i meant was ‘The Perks of Being A Wallflower’. I’ve actually heard of the movie itself before i found out that it was actually novel-based. The first impression that i got when i first heard of the movie/book was that it was just this typical story about a kid trying to blend in with the crowd, well you can read my mind the typical, usual being in high school stuff, blah blah blah. The movie got out but i never had the chance to watch it on the big screen as the showtimes was kind of limited (most of the movies i wanted to watch had limited show times, such a bummer). Time went by and suddenly the book was relaunched prior to the movie, no surprise there. Movies are sometimes made to promote the books. So, there’s truth to that you see because this book was actually released a long time ago.

With the released of the book, i was just plain eager to get my hands on of the copies and start reading myself. Luckily, i was actually working at a book store at that time last year (hahaha talking about one of the many perks of working in a book store). I was pretty ecstatic. So i pretty much dove into the book right away.

the copy that i read had this cover on, one of the many covers

Nothing about the book was as i’ve imagined it to be, well except for them being high schoolers and stuff. Even the way it was written was kind of different from your everyday books. This book was written in a total diary kinda writing, with dates and love always etc. The book is also not that thick. For some who’re not into the book might have commented the book to be dull or boring or uninteresting. The book  i personally say was definitely not boring, at all. To me the story line has some depth in it and conveyed a trully deep and strong meaning of friendship. Friendship? Really? Hahaha. Maybe some may have the thought can the story line get any lamer. I trully understand that. However, i have to say that the author tried  to convey the value in a kind of subtle way. The value was successfully and beautifully conveyed. Loved every second of it.

The story line is pretty much about this boy who was a junior in high school. He had these problems, like for examples his best friend killing himself, his sister who was abused by her boyfriend and he himself was harassed by his most beloved aunt( but you’ll only  figure  that out  at the end, such a spoiler hahaha). Anyway, anyhow back to business. So upon entering high school you see, he has this problem of blending in. Along the way, he found these two seniors, a guy and a girl. They were actually pretty weird themselves and they were step siblings . He found himself being utterly attracted to them. The best part was that they did not ever try to isolate him like the others. The three of them were so dysfunctional it’s as if they were a match-made in heaven. There was also a little love interest between Charlie, the main character and Sam, the stepsister. You see the best part was that they, the three of them accept each other with all the abnormalities. More importantly, they didn’t judge themselves or between them. Taking aside all the negativities of this story, there were actually more positiveness in it if you dig deep.

Dysfunctionally perfect as they were for one another

This book is also by far one of the best because it has many cool and deep quotes like ‘we accept the love we think we deserve’ and ‘we are infinite’.  Loved the settings too. One of my favourites is when they went through this tunnel, loud music blasting through the stereo, the main character standing tall at the back of the pick up with his hands wide apart and had thought to himself ‘we are infinite’ and they were just savouring the now moment in their hearts.

The ending was a bit mysterious. Remember when i wrote that the story was told in a diary kinda way? It was actually letters. The main character actually sent this letters to someone but at the end he got through all the things in his life and stopped writing. The receiver was left anonymous.

After that, i tried so hard to find the movie in DVD. It was so hard but i finally bought it, hey if there’s a will there’s definitely a way. To my surprise the movie was not really that different from the book unlike many others. But some scenes were taken off but not that many. Only then did i discover that the director was the author himself! How cool was that!

Congratulations to the author/director and the whole casts. They did a splendid job. If you haven't read it how about giving it a try. The book had left a lasting impression on me. What would your thoughts on it be?

p.s. oh and the actor that i said i saw on 'Law and Order' was the the guy who played Patrick, the guy who acted as the stepbrother

just one word : RAMADAN ^_^

alhamdulillah
thank u so much ya Allah
for giving us the chance to meet Ramadan again this year

things have a little bit complicated for me
but for some reasons
as Ramadan has arrived
i feel myself becoming more relax
i can feel the calm and serenity in me

alhamdulillah
i'm very grateful and feel very content with my life

without realising it
this will be the 18th Ramadan of my whole life

will i get to meet Ramadan again next year?
are my past Ramadans' worth a lot?
will i get to finish my Ramadan this year?
will this year's Ramadan be worth it?

my answer will definitely be : i don't know

as a servant of the Creator i can only plan
but Allah will make all of the decisions

but i do hope and pray
 for this year to be better than last year
i hope i can make out the most out of Ramadan this year
and i sincerely hope that the good in me that i carry during this Ramadan
will last and be amplified throughout my life time

in sha allah

salam Ramadan & happy fasting ^_^

a lil' something from me

assalamualaikum and whassup!!

so .... here i am writing this blog after a looooonnngg break
i don't know what i'm gonna write but i feel like i just have to write something

alhamdulillah
not  long after my last post i've gotten an interview n currently studying at UM as a PASUM student.

it's true what people say
you just have to be patient and keep the faith

i don't know
i feel sooooo blessed, alhamdulillah
the moment right now is just too precious

note to self:
the time is short
make every moment worthwhile

PASUM :

1. Pusat Asasi Sains Universiti Malaya

2. PERJALANAN AKU SEBAGAI UMAT MUHAMMAD

so little time that i've been here yet i've learned a lot

i'm not a perfect person
no one is

i'm childish
at times i'm too shy
at times i love the attention
every part of me is not perfect

yet i feel complete
alhamdulillah (i just can't stop saying that)
i just want to say my gratitude to Allah
for giving me my family and friends
 they're the ones who make me complete
the ones who make me whole

i don't regret a single thing that happened to me
i don't regret all the people that i've met
cause all of that had made me who i am today

i'm not a person who can easily express what i feel
but when i do
i really mean it

thank you to my family and friends
for understanding me
for suppoting me
for picking me up when i'm down
for speaking up for me
for being honest
and i thank you so much for always being there

you guys don't know how much you guys mean to me
eventhough you guys may not read this
it's okay
cause you know what
(here goes nothing)

I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!

p.s. in sha allah, may our bond lasts till Jannah ^_^

*_*

wow. it's been a long long time since my last post.


here i am again. i'm kinda feeling low right now T_T.  most of my friends are heading to their futures. chasing their dreams.

but here i am ,
undecided and
feeling insecure.

sometimes i feel that i am no match to my friends
they've done great
and got great results in their SPM

i'm not saying that i did bad
i know i did great too

but ..
huh

i'm kinda sad actually
everywhere i hear
that each and everyone of my friends get offers,
get interviews to go.......

but me,
a big fat
NOTHING

maybe my time hasn't come yet
maybe ALLAH's saving the best for last....

i'm still hoping for a miracle to happen
i just know that something big and awesome is heading my way
i just know it

but till that day do come
i sincerely hope
that i can cope with this feeling
of helplessness
and emptiness in myself.....

please give me strength

tribute to KP6 ^_^

i've decided to write something that really matters to me and that is the most awesome dorm ever KP6!!!!

those two years at SEMESRA was a roller coaster ride to me. there were a few ups and downs, good times and always the bad times. the time when i felt very much at home was when i first walked into KP6( Kelana Petra 6). all of us were not just dorm mates but we were family. i meant it from the bottom of my heart.

let me introduce you guys to each and everyone of my SEMESRIAN family

first up is ADA

what can i say bout her is that i just love her. she is the best 'ketua dorm' ever. every time i thought about the things she had done for me i will find myself almost in tears. she is so kind and she really loves each and everyone of us. i remember this one event when i got a fever at night. it was the beginning of the year and i was the only new kid in the dorm(form 1's were not in yet). she took care of me. at that time she didn't actually know me and vice versa . sure i've heard about her but we were never close. through the night she took care of me. she wiped my arms and face in hoping that my temperature would come down. she even asked me to took off my sweater so that she can wipe more but i told her i was fine but actually i was just pretty embarrassed at that time. the other time was when i was having a food poisoning and i woke up in the middle of the night. i slept on the upper bed and i vomitted. it was that bad. after a few minutes, i got down and woke Ada up. i felt bad about it but i just can't take it anymore. she woke up and we started to take out the sheets but hey what do you know the lights when out. just great. she took my hand and guide me through the darkness. it was madness. we hit the lockers and pails. let me tell you that Kelana Petra was at the 4th floor but Ada went down to the ground floor to get help, in the dark. that was nothing. the most touching thing she did was washing my vomit-covered-bedsheet! Ada you just don't know how much i love you and i will always be indebted to you.


next up is AIN

Ain is such a sweet 'penolong ketua dorm'. she was up to be next KD this year but something happened. she is the nicest person i've ever met. she is also quite naive but that's why we love her even more. Ain is also very smart. she is also very helpful and diligent. if i had to vote for the most polite girl in SEMESRA i'll vote for no doubt. she is very caring and has a full sense of responsibility. as far as i know almost all of the students like Ain for who she really is. no matter in what ever situation she will always stay true to herself. miss u Ain.


the lucky fourth person is PIQA

Nur Afiqah is the most motherly friend a girl could ask for. we were actually classmates in form 4 but fate has made us dorm mates the very next year. Piqa is so lovable. she really cared for us. some of us actually called her Mama Piqa. that's how motherly she really is. the most admirable value in her is the fact that she is a very strong girl. even though if she's hurt of misses her family(her parents once stayed in Turkey) very much she will try not to show us. she actually didn't want us to worry about her. i'm very thankful and fortunate to have the opportunity to be close to you.


my protege WANI

hahaha. she's not really my protege but we have so much in common. she's such a joyful ball of energy. even though at the exterior she seems like a shy, quiet little girl, well she sure is not! i laughed every time i spent with her. she is just that fun to be with. she's a bright student. she's also very good at common sense and facts we all just never heard of. and the one i missed about her is her dances. hahahaha. she always made our days. she is also our own little karaoke machine. the dynamic Wani.

 the ultimate princess : AIMI

Aimi, Aimi, Aimi. what can i say about this girl. she is really a princess at heart. she is a very passionate girl. she is the first person i've ever seen laughing so hard that she actually cried. just got to love her. she is also very mature for her age, right fellow KP6's? hahahaha. she's also very good in French. she and Wani makes a super combo. i never understand most of the things they talked to each other. what the heck, i still love you.

the dorm's teddy, AINNA

i actually had a pretty huge misunderstanding of her at first. i was very glad that i was given the chance to really know her. i first thought that she was a hardcore girl but a matter of fact she is actually such a sweet and lovable girl. she's really creative and has very nice hand writings. she's very loyal to her friends and really cared for them. she will always has her friends' back if they need her. way to go Ainna. KP6's and SEMESRA's own teddy! hahahha.


the mak cik, SAL

 

sorry Sal it's just a joke. Sal is a very wonderful girl and a very good 'bendahari dorm'. she's not afraid to be the one in charge and she is very respectful towards the seniors. Sal is also a very hardworking girl. that's why i wasn't surprised when she got flying colours for her PMR. she worked really hard from the very beginning. she truly inspired me . i'll also never forgets how she liked to wear those 'baju kelawar'. hahahaha. the Batgirl of KP6.

Sha's twin, Cheok

Cheok is very smart. she's one of the best students in the batch. i admired her a lot. she always helped me out. she's very cool and amazing. she also liked to do yoga in the dorm and suddenly some of us started to join her. it was so much fun to watch them try. hahaha. but nobody did it like Cheok. Cheok thanks for helping me out in my studies. really appreciate it.

my little juniors, DINA & DEWI

Dina or what we KP6 dubbed her was the supplier. she is a very kind girl. a very generous one too. she really like to share her food with us. there was this one time when she asked why why didn't we finished all her food. it was the most funniest question ever . we were actually being considerate in leaving some of her food but she actually wanted us to finished them all. this was actually because she just got back with load of new supply of food! hahahaha. just hilarious. next, is Dewi. her name is actually Dewi Mustika. unique name right. she is a very quiet girl. she seemed like almost a peaceful kind of girl. for some reasons she would rather watch us eat than joining us. she is a very good junior. deep down i know that Dewi is a very tough and strong-willed girl.

no matter where i go next KP6 will always be in a special place in my heart. KP6's one of the reasons that made SEMESRA a fun place to be. a dorm where the people are not just dorm mates but in reality a big happy family. i'll always love you guys. you guys are actually the first ones in that school that made me feel like i truly belong somewhere. thanks for accepting me the way i am. thanks for having me. even though it was only for a short time, i was glad to blessed with the best dorm ever! KP6 rocks!

thank you so much KP6's for the amazing memories! you guys are just awesome