pondering-self

Night time

It sure is eerily quiet

The sound of the blades of the fan chasing one another are reassuring

It’s 2.01 a.m.

And i just can’t keep my mind from thinking

My heart from feeling these things

It’s about my sister

Yet, again

I’m amazed at how many times she can inspire me

How i feel touched with her notions and actions

She’s a really decent human being

And i don’t just say that because she’s my sister

You can just tell by looking at her

The way she thanked the McDonald drive-through people

The cashier who attended us when we (technically she) paid for the games at bowling

The way she says it ; “ terima kasih” while smiling

It was so sincere, she was so sincere

She treats people earnestly

No matter who you are

I’m pretty much amazed because i’m not like her

I tend to send out these snobbish, get out of my way kinda vibe

She always, i mean always think of others before herself

Upon returning home from university the other day

She quickly had gotten herself a job

And started working a part-time job the very next day

Let me just clarify that she just got off an almost ten-hour journey ride home from Kedah

To home, Melaka and started working the very next day

She got out to work around 8 o’clock in the morning that day

After many months of not coming home because of palapes (yes, palapes)

Do you wanna know why she’s desperately searching for side-incomes?

No, it’s not to buy a new phone or clothes

She wanna help mama to pay for her studies expenses

That’s how selfless she is

She got out every single day in the morning and came home late after working long hours

My hearts ached when i heard that she sometimes went through physiotherapy

For her knees because she felt them hurting

It’s obvoiusly the result of her palapes training

But she kept on going to work

Nothing stopped her, not even her sore knees

Yesterday ( i think) she asked me how was my result for the last sem

I told her it was ok, it went down a lil, but it’s still fine

She told me she had to repeat some papers

A few hours back

I heard the conversation between my mama and my sister

She told mama that she just got back from seeking advise from her friend

And she’d asked her senior on what should she do

Then, it clicked

My sister was considering to quit her studies

My heart broke a little

That kinda desicion did not come on a whim

She had been thinking, hard

She’s afraid that she’ll not be able to cope her studies any longer

Mama gave her words of encouragement

And i was dumbfounded

I trully was, and still am

Just looking at her

You could not possibly know the worries and struggles she’s been through

She kept them hidden so well

I’m very devastated

How can she undergo all of these, cope them

Without me knowing

Compared to her’s all my worries and struggles seemed trivial

She’s a good person

And i know Allah knows it too

And i am so sure He has the most magnificent plan laid-out just for my sister

I wished and prayed nothing but the best for her

1 Syawal - LESSON LEARNED

I actually wrote this a couple of years back.



Salam satu syawal. So I've got a story to tell and its a bit personal.

Sejak habis asasi bulan 5 haritu, I've been one of the most successful 'penganggur' of all times. 5 bulan, more or less, of nothingness. Nak keje tpi x de lesen. Tp Alhamdulillah berfaedah jgk la ddk rumah dpt amek lesen dgn jayanye. Aku rase aku sorang je manusia yg stay up smpi pkol 4 pagi sbb study utk exam komputer tu. Hahaha. Biler pikir blek pe bende la aku buat tu. Tp ok pe dpt 50/50 kot. Hahaha. I told this to a friend and she said "ye la kau da usaha kan, so Allah bagi cash" . Agak terharu dgr ayat dia tu.

So back to story, one of my sister, Lia, pon cuti sem dua bulan. Dia cuti pon dah nk dkt puasa. Dy blek je tros cari keje and ajak aku skali. Aku agk reluctant nk keje sbb selepas bertahon-tahon ddk asrama ni merupakan first time dpt puasa satu bulan kt rumah. Jadi hanya Lia je la yg keje. Gaji sebulan dia bole la. Tapi agak unbelievable sbb dia kluar awal2 pagi and blek pon kdg2 smpi 12 or 1 pagi.

Kat kepala aku ade main a few persoalan, 'x penat ke? Dah la puasa lagi? Dia lagi rela keje drpd ddk rumah ke? Kenapa dia x nk gune peluang alang2 dlm bulan puasa ni gi terawih drpd gi keje?'

These things constantly went through my mind. Working hours dia agak extreme. By the way, aku tgh ajar diri sendiri utk develop utk tak mengkritik org. No judging. I keep reminding myself who are you to judge?

Tapi tanpa aku sedar, aku sbenanye tgh judge kakak aku tu. Aku tgh judge choices dia. And today, the day I'm writing this which is 1 Syawal, I just learned my lesson. You could say I just got a bit of my own medicine.

When I got out of my room this morning to join in for breakfast, I heard a conversation between my mom and Lia. I felt like I had been slapped or thrown cold water across the face.

Lia kan tgh cuti and dia akn continue studies dia nnt. A few more sems. She used her precious home-time to work sbb dia nk kumpul duit nk bayar yuran dia sendiri :'(

And sbb kesian kan kakak aku my mom suggest dia quit dia pnyer keje and kemas rumah, nnt mama byr duit gaji bayar yura :')

This realization hit me so hard. Another lesson learned. Never ever judge. You never really know the whole story.

Last but not least, selamat hari raya aidilfitri. It's a bit sad ramadan has left and we'll never know if we'll have the opportunity to greet ramadan again.